


The Sailor and the Juggalo

by FailureArtist



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Dysfunctional Family, Gen, Human Lusii, Humanstuck, Implied necrophilia, child corruption, parental neglect
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-11-09
Updated: 2013-11-09
Packaged: 2018-01-01 00:23:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,472
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1038139
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FailureArtist/pseuds/FailureArtist
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Gamzee's dad Kurloz may be a chucklefuck but there are other places where Gamzee can find Family.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Sailor and the Juggalo

**Author's Note:**

> [Original homesmut prompt:](http://homesmut.dreamwidth.org/39716.html?thread=44729636#cmt44729636) I like the trollcestors as the parents in Humanstuck, but that leaves out the lusii - they're too important to the trolls to be downgraded to pets all the time. So let's have the lusii as their respective troll-kid's favourite teachers. It makes sense to me; they're not biologically related to the trolls, but they guide them through their early lives.

It is a cold dawn in a small town in Washington State and two young teenagers sit on some boxes outside a port warehouse. Even though they aren’t supposed to be there and one of them is wearing clown makeup, nobody pays them any mind. The workers are used to the juggalo after his many visits. He comes to wait for another friend.

Next to him is a shorter boy with hair only slightly tamer than the juggalo. He has a scowl on his face and he’s shivering in the cold despite wearing a huge jacket, a hat, mittens, and a scarf.

Karkat says, “God, it’s cold enough freeze a hundred brass monkey balls. It’s times like these I wish I didn’t have to live in this goddamn state. No, wait, that time is always. Why’d my dad have to move from LA? In LA it’s warm and you have the chance to meet celebrities.”

Gamzee says, “Hey, you got to meet me outta it. That was one fine motherfuckin’ miracle, ain’t it?”

“I’m doubt now if meeting you could be called a miracle. More like a damnation. I have way too much friendship now.”

“You can always use another friend, my grumpy man. Just wait.”

“Don’t think I’m here to befriend your mysterious friend. I’m only here to see what your creepy adult friend looks like so I can identify him to the police.”

“The Old Goat ain’t never gonna be caught up with no Popo.”

“So he’s a success as a criminal? That’s reassuring.”

“He ain’t done nothing there should be laws against. I break the law every day and I ain’t a criminal, ain’t I?”

“Marijuana’s different. It’s like jaywalking with ridiculous legal consequences. Do you know if this guy’s got a criminal record?”

The juggalo snarls, “Do I look like some motherfuckin’ cabinet of files and other pig bullshit? I ain’t here to be your background check.”

“Hope you know his background even if you’re leaving your best friend in the dark. God, why is it when it’s something important you go all mysterious but when it’s something about your bodily functions you have to TMI all over me.”

“I know ‘bout him, he tells me all the stories in the world. I even know how he lost his Big V.”

“Please don’t make him tell that story.”

“I’ll tell him to keep hisself less blue. You’ll like his other stories. He’s got a story for every type of happenin’. Don’t worry. I’ll make him be the most nicest of guests.”

“You find this guy entertaining?”

Gamzee looks out wistfully, “He’s the best friend a little lost boy like this motherfucker could ever find.”

“Um, I’m sitting right next to you? I’d like to think I’m the best friend you could find.”

Gamzee turns to him, “Sorry, bro, I meant adult friend. You’re my best kid friend. But a kid needs some adult motherfuckers around him. Kurloz is a wicked awesome daddy, for a complete chucklefuck who’s either talkin’ me to death or off fuckin’ his ex-girlfriend but he’s family and I love him like a brother, but still a ninja needs some more adults than that.”

“Why can’t you have a teacher as a mentor like every other kid instead of a sailor, if that is his real job?”

“Teachers don’t know shit about miracles, not even the church teachers really get it. I mean, teacher Krabbs might be fine enough for you but he just ain’t for me.”

“How do you know? You never go to his classes. Or to school.” The shorter boy sits up. “Oh fuck, school, what time is it?”

He goes to get his cell phone to check but his friend just looks at his watch and announces the time.

He cries, “Fuck, school starts in twenty minutes! We got to leave!”

He leaps off the box and grabs his book bag but Gamzee continues to sit.

“You may gotta be leavin’ but I ain’t. I be waitin’ till forever.”

“Maybe this sailor jerk isn’t coming? His ship might be late. Just text him to say you had to leave.”

“Motherfucker ain’t got a cell phone.”

“Really? In this day and age? Do you talk through homing pigeons?”

“He the one makin’ the phone calls, not me.”

Something comes to Karkat.

“Wait, are you sure this guy is real? Because, you’ve thought some…weird stuff before. Like, when you thought ICP was telling you to kill Eminem.”

“Hey, I never said they was rappin’ at this motherfucker personally. It was an all-Family call. Didn’t matter none ‘cause they ended up buryin’ the hatchet. Anyway, if he was fakey fake lies, where would I have this watch? Not like I’m one to be buyin’ watches.”

Gamzee holds up his wrist and shows a dirty watch to Karkat. Karkat thinks to himself it looked like Gamzee got it off a corpse. He wonders if Gamzee just found it lying on the ground somewhere, but it could also be a genuine gift. Karkat doesn’t know which situation is worse: that his best friend is in with a pedophile or his best friend is hallucinating a pedophile because his abandonment issues have driven him crazy.

Because Karkat doubts the quality of Gamzee’s timepiece, he checks his cell phone and finds out the watch is slow. He has only fifteen minutes. He knows he’ll never convince Gamzee to come with him and he feels like a coward leaving him, but school is too important to Karkat.

“I’m leaving,” he says, “And I guess you can wait for him, but only for fifteen more minutes and if by some miracle he does come DO NOT GO ANYWHERE WITH HIM!”

But just as Karkat says that, HE arrives. His shadow darkens the boys. The Old Goat has wild green eyes and a scraggly beard and even his head looks demonic with its hair that looks almost like horns. His pea coat and bell-bottoms are dirty. Karkat thinks he doesn’t look like the type of friend any kid would want to have. Okay, so Mr. Krabbs also has a scowl, but it is not as deep as this psycho’s.

Gamzee leaps off his box.

“The Old Motherfuckin’ Goat!”

He runs to the man and gives him a big hug. Gamzee is tall for thirteen years old but the adult is practically a giant. After a moment the man gently returns the hug. Karkat feels jealous. He’s supposed to be Gamzee’s cuddlebuddy (no homo). This older friend pets Gamzee’s wild hair and thankfully does not touch his ass. A smile almost crosses the Old Goat’s face but then he looks up at Karkat and gives him the Evil Eye.

“Aye?” he grunts.

Gamzee pulls away from his older friend’s embrace.

“Oh, yeah, Old Goat, this be Karkat Vantas. Karkat, Goat.”

Karkat looks at Gamzee’s face and if he thought Gamzee was generally a happy guy it seems like he’d never seen Gamzee truly happy until now. Gamzee is actually crying from happiness. Karkat knows about crying (from personal experience) but he never thought he’d see tears of joy outside of movies. Karkat feels like he’s going to cry from the old man’s smell.

“A young pup?” the Old Goat asks. He then turns to Gamzee. “I told you, I don’t like any other young pups but you. Motherfuckin’ children, hate them.”

Gamzee replies, “But Karbro’s my friend and he’s more like an old man. My friends are your friends, right?”

“I told you not to tell anyone about me!” He looks straight at Karkat. “You will not tell anyone about this, yah hear?”

Karkat nods.

“You best be getting yourself to school, young pup.”

Karkat feels like a bigger coward than before as he grabs his bike and leaves. At least he knows his friend isn’t hallucinating? And he can identify the man to the police? Yeah, that’s it.

Gamzee whines to his older friend, “Aww dude, I wanted all of us to hang out together.”

 “It’s just as well, young pup. Probably not up to what we’re doing today, the weakling.” He whispers in Gamzee’s ear. “I’ve found another dead body. Crewmate died. Switched him out before they could bury him at sea.”

Gamzee doesn’t care that he’s missing school. This is so much more educational. School’s only have stupid frogs to dissect. He does wonder a little how the sailor can get bodies so easily but he guesses it’s just miracles. People might say it’s wrong to play with dead bodies but it isn’t like people ever use them. God doesn’t even have any use for them. That’s why He lets them rot. Might as well have fun with them first. 

The Old Goat is the best friend a neglected undiagnosed-schizophrenic teenage boy with budding necrophilia could ever have.       

**Author's Note:**

> [Bonus Art!](http://failure-artist.tumblr.com/post/66499498059/human-seagoatdad-from-this-homesmut-fill-no)
> 
> This version of human!Seagoatdad is free for anyone to use. Hell, I'll probably use him in another humanstuck AU.


End file.
